Category: News

Each member of Sound Generations’ Caregiver Support Program is or has been a caregiver to an older adult or adult child, creating a valuable shared experience among Advocates and those who seek their assistance. In this ongoing series—The Heart of Caregiving—our staff, volunteers and others share their personal caregiving stories and the insights learned along the way.

During This Pandemic by Daria Sawochka

During this pandemic, so much has changed. I mean, who would have thought that making the heart wrenching decision to place a loved one in a care facility would mean at worst, no contact at all or at best, highly restricted visits held in a breezy, chilly tent with minimal heat?  Yet this is where many of we caregivers find ourselves these days.

The mind, if allowed to roam freely, comes up with incredible worst case scenarios such as fixating on the debilitating isolation imposed on a loved one, or noticeable declines or the worsening of symptoms. Caregivers question prior decisions-could I have done more? Should I be doing more? What on earth can I do?

And so, we caregivers sit with our questions. Yet there are times when a different view emerges. We have moments when we realize we are doing all that can be done and are learning how to become comfortable with not knowing what’s around the next corner. Spending less time and energy trying to understand life’s mysteries can be helpful.

Then a shift happens.

My highly social Mom who has been living in an assisted living facility for a little over a year now is a case in point. She’s gone from eating all her meals in a dining room filled with other residents to eating all her meals in her apartment-alone. Recently though, staff have begun to sit with her, especially since they noticed she was eating less, not very hungry, and staying in bed far more than this little energetic Virgo had ever done in her 87yrs on earth. She’s always been a doer, a helper, and has always loved being of service to others, easily offering a hand to anyone in need.

My sister and I had established a wonderful routine, visiting separately 2-3 times each week, in Mom’s apartment.  And with Mom’s memory changes, she would always be surprised & delighted when we arrived.  We’d clean up a bit, and look around to make sure she was not out of toilet paper or other personal supplies and do her laundry.  It was a special kindness to be able to care for this woman who so devotedly cared for us throughout our live

Then visits stopped-to protect residents and staff. When one resident tested positive for covid-all residents had to remain in their apartments at all times. The emotional rollercoaster this created was unimaginable. But it also allowed for me again to practice the lesson of letting go and allowing what is. I began to stop thinking EVERYTHING was up to me and under my control.  It was either that, or lose my mind.

Then, last week, I learned something remarkable. The nurse at Mom’s place casually shared in passing that Mom has been spending time each week sitting in the nurse’s office, just hanging out. Mom has always loved to watch and listen to others. A very observant woman indeed. In fact, the nurse went on to say Mom even likes to tidy up her office a bit-which the nurse finds most helpful. And with Mom’s memory not being very reliable any longer-confidentiality certainly isn’t an issue.

I learned something else with this news. My Mom, with her dementia and physically slowing down, is still finding ways to create a fulfilling life for herself. Her kind and gentle ways make her easy to be around, easily redirected. Staff regularly smile when she’s around and seem to enjoy caring for her.

It reminds me, while I may oversee certain aspects of Mom’s care, this is still very much her journey as she continues to create a beautiful and fulfilling path for herself. Mom’s life is a gentle reminder that having purpose, being kind and being of service is truly transformative.

Each member of Sound Generations’ Caregiver Support Program is or has been a caregiver to an older adult or adult child, creating a valuable shared experience among Advocates and those who seek their assistance. In this ongoing series—The Heart of Caregiving—our staff, volunteers and others share their personal caregiving stories and the insights learned along the way.

Thriving-by Daria Sawochka

We’ve now made it around all four seasons, full circle. Mom has been living in an assisted living facility for a little over a year. What a journey this is.

Slowly, very slowly we all began to adapt, to change. I’ve actually begun to embrace “visiting” with my Mom again. We have established a wonderful new routine. I enjoy this new role of overseeing her care, looking for any gaps or unmet needs and finding ways to address them.

I am learning how to let go of trying to control everything as I did when Mom lived with me. I am mastering many lessons in working with an array of staff and administrators at her facility. I adapt when staff changes and have developed a special appreciation for my favorite people.

I began to purposefully look for the things done well by others. I try to begin any correspondence I have with staff by mentioning this first. It’s a good reminder for me, that when noticing something not being done as I was told or thinking it could be done better, there were also things going well at the same time. I would talk of my appreciation for all the staff do. When I did this, I noticed a partnership forming. Not us vs them but we. We all began to work together. We all needed one another to be successful with our overall mission of providing quality care to Mom. I had to admit to myself that I needed them. I had already tried to do it all on my own and had begun to drown. I realized Mom’s care needs are growing not shrinking at this stage of her life.

Then a worldwide pandemic hit and everything changed. Just when we caregivers thought life couldn’t get much harder, it did. Caregivers are learning you can keep a loved one at home to ensure you’ll remain in one another’s daily lives or choose placement and risk the possibility of not seeing your loved one or touching the warmth of their hand. Sometimes it’s a choice and sometimes it is a necessity. Either way, challenges remain.

This road, to say the least, has been bumpy. The place Mom resides has fared better than most at keeping Covid-19 exposures at bay, most of the time. They have had a few along the way, with a recent one resulting in a complete lockdown with no visits for over a month. Then, just this week, I got to see Mom again. The night before the visit, I woke up in the middle of the night, worrying what she’d be like. Would there be clear signs of decline? Would her memory issues have worsened? Would the cruelness of her isolation be visible to me?

We ended up having a delightful visit amidst a breezy, drizzly day under a tent that Mom thought would surely fly away at any moment. We laughed and held hands and remembered. Mom actually looked peaceful, content. I was reminded how much resilience and inner strength this woman possesses for this journey that is her life.

Driving away that day, I realized something. She was thriving without me. This truth jarred my ego a bit. I have long held the belief that no one cares for a mother like we daughters, but devoted staff come remarkably close, especially in the midst of a pandemic. Perhaps it takes a pandemic to bring out the stark and vivid reality that each of us decides what we will and will not do, and how these decisions effect not only ourselves, but the well-being and lives of others too. The staff make choices in their everyday lives that have a direct impact on the residents they care for. And when I am able to visit with Mom indoors again, I shall keep this in mind, for that is the kind of team member I am too.